One more week with Ben and then I have to leave him in daycare. The closer we get to that day, the more nauseous the thought makes me. We have been visiting his daycare every day and he does okay (as okay as Ben can do with a bunch of strangers and kids). It's a great daycare and we are so lucky that we were able to get him in. The people are really nice, the kids in his class are cute and well-behaved. Still, the thought of him being with other people all day, every day makes me so sad. Today he kissed his daycare worker and I almost broke out in tears. I have gotten maybe one or two "kisses" from him and yes, I was jealous. How is he supposed to know that I am his mommy when he spends the majority of his time with her?
I don't think putting Ben in daycare is in his best interest. He still has some really bad days at home, how is he supposed to be okay to go to daycare? As exhausting and frustrating it can be to be around a child with temper tantrums all day, I do want to be the one to comfort him.
I've sent desperate emails to other AP's who have placed their children in daycare in the hope that their experiences will help calm me, and they did for about 2 seconds.
I knew from the beginning that I would have a hard time with this, but it is even harder than I thought. In Germany most moms stay home for three years before they return to work. That is because that is how long their job has to stay available to them. Here things are different, as we all know.
Right now I really need a miracle to happen.
Oh Sandra... I'm so sorry. I've always considered myself so lucky that I don't have to send Olive to day care. I would be the same as you - completely heartbroken knowing that someone else was tending to my child's needs and receiving the smiles, hugs and kisses. I would cry over the kiss too :(
ReplyDeleteHave you talked over different options? Is there any way to change this situation that you so desperately don't want?
Hugs!
Oh, this makes my heart ache for you. I'm so sorry you're feeling so upset about this. Are there any other options for you to not need to do daycare full time, maybe? Like one day a week at home? Or something like that? Don't get me wrong; I understand the need to work and earn an income. Daycare is likely what we will need to do, too, and it makes me sick when I think about it. And we're still a year away from a referral. We talk about trying to arrange at least one day a week for us to be at home so at least it's not 5 days a week of daycare, but of course that's not always an option.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to gain some peace of mind soon, but I am sure this is so, so hard for you.
My heart is breaking for you!!! Even though it seems like our boys have been with us forever, it wasn't that long ago that you & I were in a van together going to meet them for the first time!!! I can't imagine having to leave him now!! Like you said...as hard as it is some days when temper tantrums are all we see, I know you still want to be there with him!!!
ReplyDeleteI've got you all in my thoughts & prayers!!
Oh Sandra, I so sorry that you are facing this dilemma:-( I wish this country would provide more support for new mothers! Sending you (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard, P only goes one day a week, but the first full day, I almost got physically ill thinking about him worried we would never come back. But we did and you will too. Sad that this country is so far behind, sending you good thoughts. And yes it is hard to stay home, but worth the hard work.
ReplyDelete