Thursday, July 8, 2010

Almost One

My baby is almost one. I never quite got the big deal about a child's first birthday, but now I am really sentimental. I am looking forward to celebrating Ben's life with friends and some family.

Ben's first birthday will be different from other children's first birthdays. He will have cake and balloons and presents, but no one will be able to reflect on the day he was born, the time he first turned over or when he first laughed. All we have are pieces of paper that give a very brief account of his first months on this earth. The major events in Ben's short life don't involve grabbing objects or sitting up, they involve losing caretakers and his home country. And as much as I don't like little babies (and I REALLY do not care for them) it makes me sad that he is not connected to anyone who knows him from birth.

Of course I am also thinking about his birth mother. I wonder how she is, where she is. Will she have the courage to access his file and find the pictures and letters I sent? Is she thinking about her little boy, wondering how he is doing? Is she remembering what happened one year ago? I am grieving her loss despite the fact that this loss has brought me so much happiness. I simply cannot imagine what she must have felt (and maybe still feels).

I want Saturday to be a happy day, but cannot help feeling a twinge of sadness. Once again joy and grief are so close in adoption.


  1. I cannot believe that Ben is almost one! It is a day of mixed emotions.

  2. Joel's birthday was definitely bittersweet for us as well. Isn't it hard to believe how fast they grow up? I hope his party goes well!

  3. All us AP mamas have this bittersweet feeling about birthdays. Hope his is a lovely one :) Enjoy!

  4. I agree, it's bittersweet but a big special day nonetheless and I'm glad you get to spend it with him. Happy almost birthday Ben!

  5. It's so bittersweet. But think of this way. You get to hold him in your arms. Happy Birthday Ben!!

  6. i remember i felt the same mixed emotions when it was bethany's birthday. there were so many reasons to celebrate but also such a feeling of loss as well.

    nevertheless, i say you put your party hats on and celebrate all you want. it's a very special day for your family! :)