When I look back at my posts from the pre-Ben-era, they are full of love for a child I didn't even know. Then, when this child was finally in my arms, my feelings were not quite what I had imagined them to be. There was love, but many times it was the "I-love-you-because-you-are- my-son-and-I-have-to-even- though-I-don't-like-you" kind. He was cute, but he was also very, very unhappy (understandably so) and it was hard for me to feel overwhelming love for someone who clearly did not want to be with me (again - perfectly understandable) and was screaming all.the.time. I resented him for all the changes we had made to our lives to accommodate his needs, or rather our idea of his needs. I was living in a house in the suburbs that we completely overpaid for because when our lease was up it was literally the only single family house in our price range on the market. Instead I could have been living in a cute condo near or in the city within walking distance to cafes and public transportation. Instead of spending my evenings and weekends in museums, restaurants in the city, and strolling charming old streets, I was stuck in suburbia shopping at Target and weeding the lawn. And all because of this screaming child that did not even want to look at us much of the time.
I am not sure when my feelings changed, but now when I look at him, I finally feel a lot like the way I always imagined I would, only these feelings run much deeper than I ever could have imagined (my feelings for the suburbs still haven't changed though).