One year ago - part two

(My plan was to write this post yesterday, on the anniversary of our referral, but after having to pull Ben off our kitchen table no less than 14 times and then a mega tantrum at the rec center and mini tantrums the rest of day, quite frankly I didn't have the energy).

One ago (yesterday), just like every day, I drove by our adoption agency on my way to work. I knew that we were in the range of the average timeframe for referral and my anticipation had been building within the last couple of days. Every single day on my way to work I would think about what it would feel like to get the call and I would play it all out in my head.

My morning at work consisted of frantically checking blogs and message boards to stalk people's timelines that I already had memorized. Then, around 9 a.m., I made my cup of oatmeal and my co-workers started coming to work. I was slouching in my office chair thinking that I really needed to get some work done when my phone rang. Now, for the past month I had a heart attack every single time my phone rang. Which is a lot. And then I saw the caller ID. My eyes immediately teared up when I saw it was our agency and my heart leapt, but I tried to convince myself that they must be calling for another reason. I tried to sound super casual on the phone.

And then I heard the words "We have good news. We have your referral."

I immediately started sobbing and screamed "I'm going to be a mom!" and every single person who was in ear's reach came running and watched me as I was still holding the phone sobbing and unable to say anything other than "Oh my God". After I was finally able to establish with my agency that we could come by at any time, there was lots of crying and hugging by everyone and it took several minutes for me to realize that I had to call my husband. By the time I was able to get through to him I was sobbing again and unable to say anything other than ask if he could leave work and meet me. He asked if I was okay and I was able to get a "yes" out. Then there was quiet on the other end of the phone and he said "Did we get it?"

While he left work and drove to our agency I made a call to one of my best friends and headed out to get tea with my boss and co-workers. It was surreal. I was in complete shock. I was about to find out whether I had a son or daughter, and I was going to see my child's face. I was shaking all over. I had a hard time processing what was happening.

As I walked down to the agency my husband pulled into the parking lot and we walked in together. We were moments away from holding that magical packet in our hands.

Then, finally, we were handed the all important papers and a box of tissues.

And we saw this face:

Ben, we love you and are so happy that we were chosen to be your parents. Finding out you were our son was one of the best days of our lives.

One year ago - part one

One year ago today, I didn't know Ben existed. One year ago today, I said to my boss "I don't know when we will get a referral. It could be another year, it could be tomorrow." One year ago today, I was yearning to find out who my child would be. One year ago today I went to bed wondering when "the" call would come. One year ago today I was wishing and hoping that one year ago tomorrow would be the day.

"What a cute baby!"

Obviously I believe that Ben is the cutest thing on this planet, and it is oddly flattering when I get compliments on his cuteness. I know, I had nothing to do with it. Some people will tell anyone their baby is cute (even though I do not do that, I actually say "you must be so happy" when someone shows me their ugly baby), but I have come to believe that it is impossible for any other baby to receive as many compliments as my child - insert winking smilie here. For the longest time I wasn't sure what to respond, but now I just say "I know!"...

People have followed him through grocery stores, the lady in the pastry section of our grocery store squeals with delight when she sees him, even the men in the meat section comment on his cuteness. One lady followed us into a store she wasn't even going to go in to see him up close. And then she ran outside again to get her friend. The funniest thing was when someone paged their store manager and then screamed "Look at the cute baby".

What's the point of this post? There is no point.

18 months

What? Tomorrow my child will be a year and a half. If you round up, that means he is basically two. Which means that soon he will be driving. And then he'll go off to college. Yikes.

This is what he's been up to:

He has words. This is a big one because I was getting a little worried that he wasn't really saying anything. He can say:

• Ba ma ma ma (banana)



• Ba-ooooo (ball)



• Ba-euuuuu (balloon, not to be confused with ba-ooooo. Said frequently during grocery store visits)



• Baaaaa (bath, accompanied by frantic knocking on the bathroom door)



• Bak (Milk)



• Busssss (toothbrush. said with a slight lisp)



• Turtle (said only once to point out a, yes, turtle)



• Ei (the German word for egg, pronounced like "I")



• Oy Vey

• Apple



• Po-ta-to (used to ask for: potato, clementine, blueberries, and kiwi. Sometimes also used for banana)

He says "brrrr" when we say "It's cold out" and shakes his little body.

He climbs up and into everything. I can't keep up!

He loves Ernie on Sesame Street and gets super excited when one of his diapers has Ernie on it.

He still loves to clean. He loves to look at books and can turn the pages himself. He loves to point out dogs and balloons in books. And Ernie. He still loves to tackle mommy and daddy and slobber all over our faces.

When he nods "yes", his whole body moves, not just his head. But mostly, he shakes his head when asked any kind of question. When he truly means "no", he scrunches his nose, turns the head sideways and makes a whiny sound.

I love this age because he is still super cute but not a baby anymore. He can walk, but I still get to carry him. He is getting more independent, but will still do what I say (sometimes).

We still have two big issues.

One is the tantrums. He's been having fits every since he came home, but somehow they have changed. Sometimes I can really tell that it is a temper tantrum because he isn't getting his way. But other times I wonder how many of these tantrums are still adoption/attachment related. When he just can calm down and it takes an hour of me walking him in the Beco, I think it's not just normal toddler behavior.

The other one is napping. He will nap - thank goodness - but I still have him nap in our bed with me next to him. I don't necessarily mind because I know that this way he will sleep and I will get a break, but I know that one day I will have to train him to nap in his bed. Or will I?

Same Procedure as Every Year *

* If you are not German, here's where that came from.

By now I have realized that New Year's resolutions are basically pointless. I feel like I have pretty much been the same person since I was 17 despite my best efforts. But somehow I just love new year's resolutions and the illusion that this will be the year in which I become rich, beautiful, and discover all of my hidden talents.

So, here are 7 things I vow to improve upon this year.

1. Be nicer to my husband.

I have an awesome husband. He puts up with all of my moods and supports all of my crazy ideas that never come to fruition (I suspect that he supports them because he knows nothing will ever come of it). He agreed to letting me stay home with our son even though it means that all of us had to cut back. He recognizes that being home with a child is hard work and he makes sure to give me some me-time. He even helps around the house and started cooking, even though theoretically this falls under my job description.

This year, I want to work on letting him know how much I appreciate all the things he does (instead of nagging about the ones he doesn't do).

2. Spend more quality time with my son

Sure, I spend all day with Ben, but quite frankly sometimes I struggle to truly enjoy the time we spend together. It can be hard for me to be mentally present and sometimes I catch myself being glued to my iPhone all morning checking blogs and FB or talking on the phone. So, this year I am going to put.the.phone.away. for most of the day and have fun with my son.

3. Get over it

We have a never-ending argument about whether or not we will adopt again. The husband says that yes, he wants to, but wants to wait a while to see if we can handle it financially. I, impulsive as I am, want to start the process again right away. I have been really obsessed with this off and on for the past couple of months and it's not good for me. I need to let it go. I know that if I don't push for it, it won't happen, but I am sick of getting my hopes up upon hearing that he wants to adopt again only to have them dashed when I hear "but". Having just one kid isn't that bad, is it?

4. Just do it

As mentioned under 1. I tend to have lots of grand ideas for things I want to learn and do. These ideas swirl around in my head, but I can never get it together to concentrate long enough to do any of them. So I want to pick one thing and stick with it. What that is, ummm, I don't know.

5. Time management

This is a BIG one. I am horrible at it. HORRIBLE. Somehow each day seems to fly by and I get nothing done. I don't know how other people spend time with the kids, do the household, blog, read and comment on other blogs, and work part time. HOW DO YOU DO IT PEOPLE?

6. Make this house a home

We've been here 1.5 years, which is the longest we've lived anywhere in the past 7 years. But if you looked at our house you'd think we just moved in. It's really sad and embarrassing. This year I want to work on making this place look somewhat decent so I can finally feel at home. We're going to be here for a looooooooooong time.

7. Be aware of how lucky I am

It is very easy for me to live in the past or the future, or to think of all the things I don't have. I want to work on appreciating the life I have instead of dreaming about the "what if". Because I really am pretty darn lucky.

What a year!

This was the craziest year of my life.

One year ago we had no idea what an emotional year this would be. It was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

I had no idea that January 20th would be the most amazing day of my life so far. Nothing could have prepared me for finding out about our son. And nothing could have prepared me for how hard the wait for him to come home would be. Then April 5th came and once again I almost had a heart attack and immediately started bawling as soon as I saw the caller ID on my phone. My baby was ready to come home. Almost a week later we were finally boarding a plane to sweet Seoul. Being in the same city as our son was incredible. And then the day came that we had been waiting for. We met Ben. There are no words to describe what it feels like to hold your child for the first time. Just two days later he was ours for good. After all we've been through to get to that day they just handed us the baby and we were parents! It was such a bittersweet day and to this day I can't talk about the day we received Ben without crying. My heart broke for his foster mom and for him. Taking my child from his beautiful country was so much harder than I ever could have imagined. Once home the transition period began, and luckily I have blocked most of it from memory. Let's just say it wasn't pretty, but slowly Ben got used to us and we got used to being parents. All of a sudden here we are at the end of the year and we are in a good place.

What a year it was and how I wish I could push "replay" and do it all over (with the exception of the first few months home, please).

O Holy Night

Right after my somewhat mopey posting about my lacking Christmas spirit, it arrived in the form of two packages. One from my parents in Germany and one from my bloggy friend Kimberly with a very special ornament I won in her giveaway.

The ornament reminded me of why this Christmas was so special. We were finally celebrating as a family.

The very next day I baked some Vanillekipferl that even turned out. Ben, of course, immediately memorized the look of every cookie tin we own and would point and screech for cookies. More often than not he got one. I am such a pushover!

On Christmas Eve we decorated the tree under close supervision. Surprisingly Ben did very good at not touching but only sniffing the tree. We watched my favorite Christmas movie, Love Actually, and realized that it will probably be inappropriate for Ben very soon.

Then after sunset the Christkind arrived and put the presents under the tree. We took Ben downstairs to see the tree and gifts. He immediately made a beeline for the presents and started unwrapping! I (aehem, the Christkind) had went back and forth on whether to get him something big, something small, or even nothing at all. I was convinced he would most likely not touch anything we gave him. I was under the impression that each set of grandparents would get him maybe one or two gifts and I caved and bought a few small items. For Christmas Eve he received several books, a CD, a cute plate, and a Xylophone from my parents. My best friend in Germany gave him a set of Playmobil - which I LOVE. I have totally been obsessed with Playmobil ever since I was a kid and am super excited that I finally get to play with it again. We got Ben some animal magnets, crayons, and Sandra Boynton books. Ben immediately took to the Playmobil, the magnets, and the crayons. Success!

After all the excitement of unwrapping we had our traditional Christmas Eve dinner of fondue with various homemade sauces, herb butter, marinated antipasti and some yummy wine that my parents had sent to us. I can't say Ben loved it, but he did get to play with his crayons some while we were eating.

After a very restless night it was Christmas Day. Ben was awake and screaming around 5:30 so we had to get up. I was extremly tired, had a headache from too much wine, and Ben was cranky too. Ben wasn't really surprised to see more presents under the tree and once again started to open them. His big gift from Santa was a cleaning set with brooms and a mop. Luckily he loved it! There was tons of stuff from his American grandparents and he quickly lost interest in unwrapping after he discovered the ball he was given. The rest of the day was spent relaxing and playing.

Overall it was a great Christmas and I am thoroughly enjoying the time between Christmas and New Years.